don't leave me alone this time, for i'm afraid of what i will discover inside

So, I figured I should start some kind of blog, since I do have loved ones far away who I dearly miss and want to update on what's been going on, and I love to verbally process/vomit. So, read at your own risk ;).

So, I've been in LA for about, well almost 2 months now, and let's just say things haven't gone as planned (well, haven't gone according to MY plan). When I arrived, I landed an-almost-close-to-perfect job, and was let go 2 weeks later. Since I've been unemployed, life has been set in slow motion, but my own journey has been put on high acceleration. I hit a low, a very low low a couple weeks ago, and I just, fell apart. Life was too hard, LA was too big and jobs were too far and few between. I was sad, lonely, highly disappointed and frustrated, and ready to pack my bags and head back to the land of the potatoes.

Luckily, God is bigger than the box I put Him in. And more apparent and available than I had been making Him. These last 3 weeks I've gone from bad to worse, from great to better, and back to bad, and realizing that this emotional roller coaster wasn't the life I was meant to be living.

I had thoughts of just getting up a leaving. Moving back home, back to Boise, over to Corona for a short while, but nothing felt at peace. Staying in LA doesn't feel super peaceful at the moment, but I'm not gonna quit at something because it's not perfect. Living here has its flaws, its pains, and its holes, but I refuse to make a habit of getting up nda leaving when things get hard.

So my plan is this. I'm going to find a job, and I know that the job that I take will be the right job. No more of this fair weather job stuff. This will be where I stay for the longer of the short term. Paige and I will muster up the funds to get it together and get an apartment, whether it kills us or not. I'm going to get involved in something. I haven't figured out what that something is, but something where my heart is. I'd love to get involved in a human trafficking organization, or something of the like. Here in LA those places are all over, so it shouldn't be hard. I would also love to get involved at church. I started going to Expression 58, a church centered and based around Hollywood, and it's pretty amazing. We've only been going there a few weeks, but I'd love to get involved there in some way. I'm going to go to the beach more. There's a street that Paige found that starts at Whole Foods and it's a 20 minute walk to the beach. The beach is my happy place, always has been, and I haven't taken advantage of it enough, being so close. I'm going to relearn, for the 3rd time, how to play the guitar. I have so felt a lack of worship in my life, and if I can reteach myself guitar, than I can worship wherever, whenever. And it's something I love, and I need to start doing things I love again. And finally, I'm going to start dreaming again. Not sleep dreaming, but day dreaming about the things I love, this things I want to do, the things that I'm called to do, etc. I feel like I've so lost touch with all those things, because the reality of situations has gotten in the way and has come against every ounce of hope I've had. But even today, I asked myself the question, "If your life could go just as you would like, what would it look like and how would it go?" And then I answered it. It felt good to dream about those things again, what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be. The realities of the present have barricaded the possibilities of the future, and I'm letting that barricade down, little by little.

Getting this out, even now, is giving me hope. Life doesn't always have to be this hard, and God is bigger than what I expect Him to be. This is seasonal, not permanent. And I want to get everything I possibly can out of this season of being completely broke, completely broken, and having 100% reliance and dependence on Him.

The End.